My husband and I still laugh about something that happened after both of our first colonoscopies. After my procedure, while I was in recovery, he came back to help me get ready to leave. Because of the medication used for sedation, I kept asking him the same questions over and over again. “What did the doctor say?” He answered me. A few minutes later, I asked again. “What did the doctor say?” He answered me again. Then I wanted to know what he had been doing while he waited. “What have you been doing? Drinking coffee?” He said yes. Then I asked, “In the same room?” And apparently, I asked that more than once too. To this day, when I ask my husband what he has been doing, he may answer, “Drinking coffee in the same room.”

And we laugh.

It is funny because we know that the reason I couldn’t remember was because I was coming out of sedation. The staff had already warned him that the medication affected my ability to form new memories while it was still in my system. So I did not remember that I had already asked the question or that he had already answered it. That kind of memory lapse makes sense.

But it does make you think. It is funny when there is a clear explanation. It feels different when we start asking the same questions, missing the same details, or forgetting things repeatedly without medication, without sedation, and without an obvious reason.

I am not trying to scare you, so let me be clear. Every forgotten word is not dementia. Every misplaced key is not Alzheimer’s. Every moment of brain fog does not mean something terrible is happening. Sometimes it is stress or a lack of sleep. Sometimes it is grief, menopause or hormonal changes or medication. Sometimes it’s thyroid issues, blood sugar changes, blood pressure problems, depression, anxiety, or simply too much on our minds and too little recovery for our bodies. 

But some patterns deserve attention. That is why I believe we need to have memory conversations earlier. Not because we should live in fear or self-diagnose ourselves. Not because every memory slip is a crisis, but because waiting until something is obviously wrong may mean we have waited too long.

Black Americans are at a higher risk for Alzheimer’s and other dementias than White Americans, yet we are also too often diagnosed later, dismissed sooner, or not taken seriously when we raise concerns. For Black women, that combination matters. We cannot afford to ignore changes nor can we afford to have our concerns brushed off as stress, attitude, aging, or “you just have too much going on.” Because yes, we may have a lot going on.

Many of us are working, caregiving, leading, serving, praying, showing up for family, showing up for church, showing up for everybody else, and trying to keep ourselves together in the process.

But being busy does not mean our brain health should be ignored. Being strong does not mean we should suffer silently. Being spiritual does not mean we should avoid medical conversations.

And getting older does not mean every change should be dismissed as “just age.” There is a difference between occasional forgetfulness and a pattern that affects daily life.

It is one thing to forget why you walked into a room. It is another thing to keep getting confused in familiar places. It is one thing to misplace your keys. It is another thing to put important items in unusual places and have no memory of doing it. It is one thing to forget a name and remember it later. It is another thing to struggle with familiar names, conversations, or tasks more often than usual. It is one thing to miss an appointment once. It is another thing to repeatedly miss bills, medications, meetings, or responsibilities you normally manage well.

Patterns matter. Changes matter.

And the people close to us may notice things before we are ready to admit them. That can be uncomfortable. Nobody wants to hear, “You already asked me that,” or “Mom, you told me that three times,” or “You seem different lately.” But sometimes love sounds like paying attention.

And sometimes wisdom sounds like making an appointment. I know this is tender because memory is not just about information. Memory is personal. Memory is how we hold our stories.
Memory is how we recognize our people. Memory is how we manage our homes, our work, our medicine, our money, our ministry, and our independence.

That is why many people avoid the conversation. We would rather joke about it. We would rather blame age. We would rather say, “Girl, you know I’m just getting old,” and keep moving.

But I want us to learn how to tell the difference between laughing something off and paying attention to what needs care. The goal is not fear, it is awareness.

Fear says, “I don’t want to know.” Wisdom says, “Let me pay attention.” Fear says, “What if something is wrong?” Wisdom says, “What questions do I need to ask?” Fear says, “I’ll wait until it gets worse.” Wisdom says, “Let me talk about this before there is a crisis.” That is where I want us to begin this month. If your memory feels different, start noticing the pattern. When did it start? Is it getting worse, or does it come and go?

Does it happen when you are tired, stressed, grieving, overwhelmed, or not sleeping?
Are you forgetting words, names, appointments, bills, medications, directions, or conversations?
Are you still able to manage your daily responsibilities? Has anyone close to you noticed a change? Are you repeating questions and not realizing you already asked them? Are you having trouble doing things that used to be familiar?

Write it down. Not because you are trying to scare yourself. Write it down because your doctor cannot evaluate what you cannot explain. Write it down because “I’m forgetting stuff” may not be enough information. Write it down because your brain deserves more than vague worry.

And write it down because Black women deserve to be heard clearly when we walk into medical spaces.

We have to stop treating memory conversations like something we only have after a crisis. We need to talk about memory while we are still working, leading, and caregiving. While we are still in midlife and still trying to understand what is normal, what is hormonal, what is stress-related, and what needs further evaluation.

We will talk about Alzheimer’s and dementia. We will talk about hormones, HRT, and memory. We will talk about why Black women deserve better memory conversations. And we will talk about how to prepare for the doctor visit, because the doctor is not a mind reader.

I believe in prayer and I also believe in paying attention. I believe in faith., but I also believe in asking questions. I believe God cares about our minds, our bodies, our memories, and our future. And I do not believe we honor Him by ignoring the warning lights. So maybe the question is not, “Should I be scared?” Maybe the better question is, “What do I need to notice, track, and discuss?” We do not have to panic, but we do need to pay attention. Because maybe we have been waiting too late to talk about memory.

Blessings,

Dr. Janice R. Love