We had been practicing our new routine for about two weeks when both of us had important evening meetings on the same night. We had to divide and conquer. I had been working about 30 miles away from home, so I went directly to my meeting. My husband was going to leave home and head to his.

When I am in a meeting, my phone is usually on silent. And I am not one to babysit my phone when I am supposed to be paying attention to what is happening in the room. So when my meeting ended and I finally looked at my phone, I almost panicked. Ten messages. Several missed calls. All of them from my husband.

“Oh Lord,” I thought. “What happened?” I immediately started imagining all kinds of possibilities. Turns out, there had been an emergency. Well…at least it felt like an emergency to him.

He couldn't find his keys.

He had searched for them and wondered whether I had accidentally taken his keys with me—because, remember, there was precedent. By the time he realized I wasn't answering my phone, he was running out of time. So he called an Uber and went to his meeting. When I finally got home that evening, guess what I found?

His keys, hanging neatly on the new key rack. Exactly where they were supposed to be.

We still laugh about that. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was actually a brain-health lesson hiding in that story.

Our new system actually worked, because the keys weren't lost. They were exactly where we had decided they should be. The problem was that the new routine had not yet become automatic. For years, we had trained ourselves to look for our keys in all the usual places. The breakfast counter, his pocket, my purse, the kitchen table, a desk, a dresser or wherever we remembered putting them last.

We changed the system, but our brains were still operating according to the old routine.

And that made me think about something I want more of us to understand as we get older:

We don't have to make our memory do all the work. 

We can create habits, routines and environments that help us remember. In fact, the National Institute on Aging recommends many of these very strategies for dealing with everyday forgetfulness: following routines, using calendars and notes, making lists, and keeping frequently used items such as keys, phones, wallets and glasses in the same place every day.

In other words, putting the keys in the same place isn't cheating, it's supporting your brain.

Think about how many things you expect yourself to remember on an average day. Where are my glasses? Did I take my medication? What time was that appointment? Did I unplug the flat iron? Where did I put my phone? What did I come upstairs to get? Did I send that email? What was I supposed to pick up from the store?

And don't forget everything else going through our minds: work, family, church, finances, appointments, caregiving responsibilities, dinner, deadlines and the conversation we had three hours ago that we are still thinking about.

That's a lot. Then we wonder why we walk into a room and can't remember why we're there.

Sometimes what we need isn't more effort.

We need fewer things competing for our attention.

Harvard Health has also pointed to simple strategies such as following consistent routines, slowing down and paying attention, and doing one thing at a time rather than constantly multitasking.

That last one is important. You can't remember information very well if you weren't paying enough attention to it in the first place. Sometimes what feels like a memory problem begins as an attention problem.

Maybe it's time to look around your own life. What are you repeatedly trying to remember that could become a system instead? Maybe your keys need one home. Maybe your phone gets charged in the same place every night. Maybe your glasses go in one designated spot instead of wherever you happened to take them off. Or if they are readers, get several pair and leave one in every room in the house.

Maybe you need one calendar instead of appointments written on sticky notes, in your phone, on the refrigerator and somewhere in the bottom of your purse. Maybe medication gets connected to an existing morning or evening routine—and perhaps a pill organizer helps you know whether you actually took it. Maybe everything you need to take with you tomorrow goes by the door tonight. Maybe before clothes go into the laundry, you develop the habit of checking every pocket. Maybe you need a written checklist for something you do every week.

There is no prize for remembering everything without assistance. You don't get extra points for carrying your entire life around in your head.

Sometimes the wisest thing you can do for your brain is create a system that allows you to stop trying to remember something that doesn't need to be remembered. Save that mental energy for something else.

This is one of the reasons I am so passionate about helping midlife women think differently about memory. We can become frightened the minute we forget a name, lose our phone or can't immediately remember why we walked into the kitchen.

And yes, changes in memory that are persistent, worsening, interfering with everyday activities or concerning to you deserve a conversation with your healthcare provider. Not every memory problem should simply be dismissed as aging. But I also don't want us living afraid of every forgotten word or misplaced pair of glasses.

I want us asking better questions. Because questions can make a real difference, because brain health isn't just about what we can remember. It is also about how we live. 

That's also why I created:
In Her Right Mind: Midlife Memory and Focus Renewal 14 Day Bootcamp.
Visit InHerRightMind.com to learn more.

We aren't going to spend our time trying to prove how many random things we can memorize. We're going to look at what helps memory and focus work in the first place. Things like: sleep, hydration, attention, stress, organization, movement, nutrition and routines. And the everyday choices that either support our brains or make them work harder than necessary.

I want you to understand your brain better. I want you to recognize the things that may be quietly interfering with your focus. And I want you to leave with practical strategies you can actually use in your real life. Because here's what that key rack taught me: Sometimes improving your memory isn't about trying harder to remember.

Sometimes it's about making remembering easier.  

Before you leave this blog, I want you to do one thing.

Think of one item or task you regularly forget. Just one.

Your keys, glasses, phone, medication, or something you need to take to work. Maybe it’s an appointment, a bill, or whatever immediately comes to mind. Now ask yourself:

What simple system could I create so my brain doesn't have to work so hard to remember this?

Then give it a home or create a reminder. Attach it to a routine or write it down. Set up an alarm, use the pillbox. Put it by the door, then practice the new system long enough for your brain to learn: “Oh. This is what we do now.”

And please give yourself a little grace while you're learning it. After all, you could create the perfect system…

…and still end up taking an Uber while your keys are hanging right where they belong.

Blessings,

Dr. Janice R. Love

InHer Right Mind